Sometimes I Really Hate Life

I haven't been on here in a while for a couple reasons- school and Dewey got home in June. My last post was about the time I "knew" something terrible had happened to Dewey. He was fine, and my life continued.

Then, as I was getting ready for school Wednesday morning July 1st, I got the call that no one wants. My little brother, Joseph, was killed in a car accident in West Virginia. My little brother. Almost every memory I have in this life has him in it. What do you do when you lose someone that close? How do you cope?

When Dad uttered those simple words, I felt the world around me come crashing down. I knew there had to be some mistake. Joseph was strong and healthy. He couldn't be dead. I had just heard from him 4 days before! Even now, almost a month later, that thought seems so foreign and unreal. How can I not see him again in this life? I wanted him to be the one my kids turn to when they're older and hate my guts. I wanted him to play a very active role in my girls' lives. How can this be? Even during his funeral I was hoping he'd pop up out of his casket and yell something, in true Joseph style, like "HA! HA! GOTCHA, B*****S!!!" But he didn't. We burried him. And now he's gone for the rest of my mortal years.

I can't go into a lot of detail yet about the initial pain and grief I felt. I'll still break down, and that feeling in the pit of my stomach becomes almost impossible to bare. I found some comfort in Leighann's words in that first email I got from her, and I realized the importance and urgency of Dewey and me getting our sorry butts to the temple and being sealed to our precious children. I don't want to be caught in this situation and NOT be sealed to my kids. I'm grateful for Mom and Dad's faithfulness. Because of that, I know I'll be with my beloved brother again. And I know he's up there watching over my girls. He'll still be a part of their lives, just not quite the way I had intended. I know he'll watch them grow, and I know he's cheering all of us on down here to do our very best and live faithfully so we can all live together forever. I want nothing more than to be with my family for eternity.

What I've Learned.....

I've learned that I MUST tell those I love that I love them when they're right in front of me. I never got the opportunity to tell Joseph how much I love him, and I regret not doing so. I saved his last text message and will print/frame it with a picture of him. I know he knows NOW how much I love him, but it's not the same. I wish I had told him that I love him the last time I talked to him.

I've also learned how much people love him. His funeral was the biggest one I've ever been to. His procession was miles long. MILES! I didn't expect to see so many people, much less so many of them absolutely sobbing for him. He was truly loved and will be missed for a long time to come. BUT, I know the Lord has provided a way for all of us to be together again, and I look forward to that joyous reunion.